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A Love Note to my Computer 
Vile spirits surround us. My Computer, you're the vilest.
Your evil astoundest. Your anger, the hostilest.
You complain I'm an old guy; you'd prefer some cute chick,
my only mouse strategy is to click, click, click, click,
wildly clicking on everything clickable
'midst your gloating laughter, insulting, dispicable.
Whatever I want, you choose some other menu,
programmed right in you.
Cursed electronic demon! I have failed. Thanks a zillion.
(Did your industry pay Bill Gates 50 billion?)
Note that "You'd prefer some cute chick" is inaccurate because my computer is obviously female.  She's maddening, illogical, self-centered, and petulant , and she's impossible to get out of my mind no matter how hard I try.

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> "What the heck should I do?"

Volunteer Gareth McCumskey bestowed the solution.

I owe my whole sanity to his contribution.


So if your computer is as evil as mine is,

and you haven't a clue as to what the design is,

Fear not! Dry your tears. For you know your life line is

Protonic! It's their hobby! They're free as cloud nine is.




Poetry.com lists obvious rhymes like "mine" & "design," but it also lists groups of words like "life line" & "cloud nine" which at first I thought was kind of silly. But if you're stuck for a rhyme those phrases can often give you ideas you hadn't thought of, and that's exactly how I thought of those phrases in the above poem.

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Ain't got no degree in English Lit. I are a injuneer,
but a rhyme is a rhyme as long as if it  just sounds like a rhyme to my ear.
They say ORANGE is the paradigm
of all words what ain't got no rhyme,
so they say.
But -

The rancher fenced in some more range,
then wolfed down beef stew with an ORANGE.
Said the cook, "I'm not merry
with a fire on the prairie;
I'd much rather cook on a store range."
The fruit she brought in the door, ranges
from lemons  to grapefruit to ORANGES.

 But now let's try something completely different.


The Bob4 Unabashed Dictionary says
Rhyme (noun) A couple of syllables or groups of syl's. that just plain sound like a rhyme.

Dr. Huffenpugh, Prof. of English Lit., has a different definition. He says that two rhyming sounds must start with stressed (or accented) syllables, each beginning with a different sound (a vowel with a consonant or else two different consonants), followed by any  number of sounds THAT ARE IDENTICAL.
     Such as: Rhyme rhymes with Time.
     Rhyming rhymes with Timing.
     Rhymingly rhymes with Timingly.
     Rhyminglyexpealidoscious rhymes with  - well anyway, take it from there.

Sorry, Professor, but your DEFINITION is DEFICIENT.  I know in my heart that those following sounds DO NOT HAVE TO BE IDENTICAL as long as they themselves rhyme. A bad hair day = “The sad girl had a bad curl.” It's a snappy  rhyme isn't it?  But to meet the professor's definition it doesn't  rhyme unless it's something like "A bad girl is a sad girl" and that sounds much more boring to my ear.
In about the second grade (when “church” was not considered a dirty word in public schools) we sang a pleasant little song that rhymed “Oh come to the church in the wildwood” with “No place is so dear to my childhood.” Note that you'd need a word like Wildhood or Childwood to meet the prof's definition but it sure sounds like a perfect rhyme to me. The first syllables rhyme and the second syllables rhyme; I'll call this a Double Rhyme.

I've looked through some poetry anthologies and found  very few examples of double rhymes.  In "Like the Idalion Queen" William Drummond formed a rhyme by calling “fair flowers” his “paramours.”
And  for another example, here's a 4 century old poem that rhymes "woo thee" with "unto me".  (and then press BACK button) for the entire poem because there's something really interesting about it.
 And in a not-so-good example, in "The Charge of the Light Brigade" Alfred Lord Tennyson rhymed "Half a league onward" with "rode the six hundred." "-Ward" isn't identical to "-dred" but at least they sound KIND OF like a rhyme. I suspect the reason people accept such a bad rhyme in one of the best known poems by the poet laureate of England, knighted by Queen Victoria, is that the FIRST syllables, "hun-" and "on" rhyme (within normal vowel variations).
So what's all this got to do with oranges? Well,

The plumber installed a floor flange,
Then gobbled his hot dog and orange.
     (that's a type of pipe fitting).

The carpenter oiled the door hinge,
Then gobbled his sandwich and orange.

The traveler rowed down the Dordogne
To eat crepe suzette  and an orange.
     (a river in France, pronounced Dordenje)

The doctor prescribed Ascorbenge
Then drank his Champaign with an orange.
     (a medical word I just made up. The RhymeCon rhyming theorem states "If you can't find a word that rhymes,  just invent one.")

Now, if you're a rhymer think of all you can do with double rhymes. Could you find rhymes for graveyard or midnight or gourmets? Of course!  and then come BACK and I'll see you right here in a couple of minutes.
But alliteration is sometimes considered to be a rhyme of a different kind. And if used well, it can add a lot to a poem.
Well, why not? I even have an example, rhyming "learn to be" with "eternity" but if you don't come BACK to this spot you'll hurt my feelings).
And here's something kind of interesting. I wanted to use the word eternity so  at first I tried rhyming it with maternity but it sounded flat and it took me a while to figure out why. I was rhyming -ternity with -ternity which isn't a rhyme; it's an identity. This isn't just a rule some guy made up. RhymeCon's theorem states: A good rhyme sparkles to the ear. A bad rhyme just kinda lies there flat.


"Baby bear, instead of porridge, asked momma and pappa for an ORANGE" is just a bad rhyme. To me it sounds plain sloppy. I know that bad rhymes, masquerading as "near" rhymes, are in fashion today, but not with me. (Still let's be happy not everybody thinks like me.)

To find a rhyme- (have you no shame?) - just make up a proper name.
Want to rhyme “forthwith?” (probably not, but) just name somebody Smith.

No less a poetry giant than Sir Walter Scott rhymed “backward turn” with “Kilchurn” without even saying what or who Kilchurn was.
So why can't I say “Mrs. Forange ate an ORANGE?” (except it sounds boring).
Better might be

“Monsieur Pierre LeFranje
tasted his first ORANGE.
When asked in great haste
“Tell us, how does it taste?”
he replied “It tastes  rahther strange.”

(I'm cheating. By forcing the stress onto the 2nd syllable I've essentially invented a new word, rhymingwise.)

for a (not very good) example of seven proper names used as rhymes, and most of them even sound phony. then click BACK to Oranges and I'll see you here.
Now about that rule that rhyming sounds must begin with a stressed syllable, here's a trick that can add a huge number of good rhymes to your repertoire. Some words of three syllables or more can have more than one stressed syllable. And most rhyming dictionaries don't take full advantage of this fact. ORANGE has but two syllables with the stress on OR. But ORANGES has three syllables, stressed on the OR but with a secondary stress on the GES - just say it aloud! The word radishes has a secondary stress on the last syllable. "An excellent breakfast is ORANGES cooked up with a half dozen radishes."  See? It rhymes, though I won't guarantee the recipe. But for more examples   and then click  to return to this spot.
I usually think of rhymes as coming at the end of a line or the end of a word. But there are also internal rhymes.
"Oh, strange is the ORANGE you painted your house - " (See? oh, strange and ORANGE-). That might be a good first line for a poem and I don't plan to use it so you're welcome to it. (Send it in if you'd like.) Here's a line I invented : "We sat down in the dust and our eyes met two rusty hooks on the wall near the ceiling." The rhyming syllables are dust and rust but the're not at the end of the line and rust isn't even at the end of a word! I like rhymes like this because they keep the momentum going and you don't have to stop and pause after every rhyme.
and then return for another example.

and then return to ORANGES.

Shirley, from Alaska, a.k.a. "Sooth" in the   whose favorite animal is the moose(s) (although my family's two cats and two dogs are plenty for me) sent me this:

Orange, Alaskan-style
Sum forty miles south of Ank'rje
Therez'a glacier by name of Por'tje
If yor upen alive
Wanton a drive
Make shoren take long n or'nje

Thanks, Soothie, and maybe it shows you can come up with some weird rhymes in regional or ethnic dialect. Scottish poet  Robert Burns, in To a Mouse wrote  "The best laid schemes o' mice and men gang aft agley, And leave us naught but grief and pain for promised joy."

Thanks for visitting and I'd really appreciate an e-mail note with your comments and suggestions. But poems don't have to rhyme, though a skillfully used rhyme is one of poetry's most appealing gimmicks. For one last poem, without rhyme but giving my opinion about some modern poetry,
Faux Prof. RhymeCon

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